you hurt me so bad when you said that. that you only have one friend. here i am, invested, interested, caring and wanting you to be OK - really - and you tell me that i am not a “true” friend on your hierarchy of friends.

honestly, what the fuck. why would you say that? why would you keep telling me about how much you want to be in love?

why am i this receptacle for you? i do it willingly, because i love you.

i mean, not in that way, but you know. it would be that way if we both wanted it to, but we don’t, and i love you like i love the closest of my friends. because i’ve let you into me, and i at least thought i was being let into you.

when I am with you I am often speechless because you are so expressive of your pain. it makes me self-conscious, because it is so reminiscent of the buried dark things that ruminate in my head. you vocalize them, and it makes me feel connected to you in an extremely profound way. we both are so incredibly fucked up, self-medicated, and maladjusted, and insecure.

if I was more giving - if i told you the extent of how incredibly fucked I am - would you think of me as a “level 3” friend? or if I completely ignored you and didn’t have the common decency to call you when I couldn’t meet with you? would that make you value me more?

like you, I want someone to love and care about me. I want that deep connection. it doesn’t have to be romantic, or a “relationship,” or what have you. I just want to feel deeply connected to another human, to feel love for a human simply because we are coexisting peacefully and we give and we take and there is happiness to be learned from each other.

more than anything, I think you could be happy. that you should give yourself chances. it’s not all permanent, like I said. it’s all relative, each day, each momentary unhappiness. you of all people should know that.

we can listen to sigur ros and get stoned and philosophize and proselytize any day you want, because I care that much. if it brings me down, so be it - the self-reflection and examination it prompts is worth it, for me.

I guess this is a bit more one-sided than I had thought.

“that was wisconsin, that was yesterday”

oh god oh god this so so much

dearoldlove:

All I want is for you to be sad. And, if possible, to have you strapped down, eyes pried open, and forced to watch scenes from my life without you (a heavy focus on how happy he makes me and how much I giggle these days).

dearoldlove:

Why is it so easy for you to move on, and I’m here, stuck in this rut you built for me?

dearoldlove:

I need you to come back, just so I can remember how unhappy you made me, and then when we break up again maybe that time I’ll be fine.

dearoldlove:

I loved you for being flawed. I loved you even more for loving my flaws.

dearoldlove:

I want to love someone else already. But I keep thinking, what if you love me, too, after all?

dearoldlove:

I hope we will look back and just laugh about it. “Remember the time we broke up and didn’t talk for three years? How funny!”

dearoldlove:

This silence, while necessary, is heartbreaking.

I was sexually assaulted? Raped? I don’t even know. A guy I don’t know put his penis in my asshole when I told him not to. And then when I told him it hurt he continued to do that.

I am so embarrassed and I know why but I can’t help it.

I want to go home. I want to fit in somewhere. I want to find funny, positive, humble, intelligent and inspiring friends. I want to be physically healthy sometime, maybe look like a woman instead of this 20-year-old trapped in the body of a 13 year old with huge breasts and a nose ring, for kicks and a faux maturity/edge boost.

I want to remove the hair from my armpits permanently. Also my bikini line.

I want my acne to go away.

I want the little coarse black hairs that grow out of my chin mole to stop. I want my mole to stop.

I want my teeth to be straight again.

I want to lose 30 pounds.

I want to have a boyfriend but not need a boyfriend. I want to have sex. I want to have an orgasm.

I want to dance again.

I want to walk across the quad and be entirely within myself. I do not want to anticipate your thoughts or his thoughts or her thoughts. I want confidence.

I want to be that girl, that confident and strong one, who doesn’t give a shit if you think she is confident or strong.

I want to feel like I do while sitting in class, when I am standing in a social situation.

I want to feel like I do while sitting and typing and thinking and writing, when I am standing outdoors and talking and gesticulating.

I am tired of Sal. Her negativity brings me down.

Perhaps I do not belong anywhere, perhaps I’m one of the lonely people who never really finds their place? or the people they belong with? or the people they belong to?