Roller coaster! some thoughts, if you’ll indulge me.
I feel sad, incredibly angry, exhausted, very hurt.
It’s time to confront this head on. To do the work I need to do to get myself together.
I’ve never been good with change or loss. I love deeply and strongly and without abandon and that makes it that much harder when it ends. I become a nostalgic, dwelling mess!
I know that those years weren’t a waste—that they were beautiful and real and everything good that’s promised to us when we talk about love. I don’t have any regrets; it wasn’t a failure because it didn’t last forever. Timing and growth and money and depression and change and careers and fucking hard real life shit. None of us are above any of that, even though we all would like to think that the strongest love can persist. We try and try and try. It’s not failure.
What’s so frustrating is that I still feel so much love and care for this person, despite everything.
I wish it hadn’t taken me receiving a nugget of infuriating, hurtful, shitty information for me to come to this point. And I wish I hadn’t relived all of the transcendent loveliness this weekend. But here we are.
I’m going to be OK but it’s going to take some time.
Saying bye for a while. My friends who follow me on Tumblr talk to me IRL or online anyway. Besides, I’m no fun right now. I’m going to journal for a while and try to take this process offline. It’s helped before. Who knows, maybe it’ll help again.