January 2010
2 posts
you hurt me so bad when you said that. that you only have one friend. here i am, invested, interested, caring and wanting you to be OK - really - and you tell me that i am not a “true” friend on your hierarchy of friends.
honestly, what the fuck. why would you say that? why would you keep telling me about how much you want to be in love?
why am i this receptacle for you? i do it...
November 2009
7 posts
Sounds Fair!
dearoldlove:
All I want is for you to be sad. And, if possible, to have you strapped down, eyes pried open, and forced to watch scenes from my life without you (a heavy focus on how happy he makes me and how much I giggle these days).
A Rut Built for One
dearoldlove:
Why is it so easy for you to move on, and I’m here, stuck in this rut you built for me?
Re-Member
dearoldlove:
I need you to come back, just so I can remember how unhappy you made me, and then when we break up again maybe that time I’ll be fine.
Flawing On
dearoldlove:
I loved you for being flawed. I loved you even more for loving my flaws.
Is It a Choice?
dearoldlove:
I want to love someone else already. But I keep thinking, what if you love me, too, after all?
Our Joke
dearoldlove:
I hope we will look back and just laugh about it. “Remember the time we broke up and didn’t talk for three years? How funny!”
Necessary Silence
dearoldlove:
This silence, while necessary, is heartbreaking.
October 2009
1 post
I was sexually assaulted? Raped? I don’t even know. A guy I don’t know put his penis in my asshole when I told him not to. And then when I told him it hurt he continued to do that.
I am so embarrassed and I know why but I can’t help it.
I want to go home. I want to fit in somewhere. I want to find funny, positive, humble, intelligent and inspiring friends. I want to be...
September 2009
17 posts
I saw Kevin today and it set me so far back
“She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life. She learned impossibly difficult songs on her violin, songs outside of what she thought she could know.
Brod’s life was a slow realization that the world was not for her, and that for whatever reason, she would never be happy and honest...
“He would see her many times, and she him - they had come to haunt the same places, to walk the same paths, to fall asleep in the shade of the same trees - but they would never acknowledge each other’s existence.
They both wanted badly to go back seven years to their first encounter, at the theater, and do it all again, but this time not to notice each other, not to talk, not to leave...
Red in the Heart
dearoldlove:
I’m embarrassed that it took so long for me to get over you.
Conservation of Love
dearoldlove:
It was when I learned to love myself that I unlearned to love you.
Keep it a Memory
dearoldlove:
Just because I reminisce about us doesn’t mean I want you back.
Defying Expectations
dearoldlove:
I only pretend to be strong and okay without you because I know you don’t expect me to be either one.
Fall
dearoldlove:
The end of summer broke my heart.
Path to Wisdom
dearoldlove:
It’s amazing what time, distance, and a year on anti-depressants can make you realize. We really weren’t meant for each other, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Accompaniment
dearoldlove:
Rock isn’t the same without you drumming along on the steering wheel.
Timed Out
dearoldlove:
They say it takes time. I’m sick of time taking its time. Hurry up already.
Ask Away
dearoldlove:
I can’t ask you to get back together with me—not after everything you put me through. But you can ask me.
Which One?
dearoldlove:
Apparently being mentally crazy and crazy at sex go hand and hand. I just wish I could’ve had one without the other.
Pre-Approved
dearoldlove:
I Accept! Just go on and apologize already.
Every day I think about you half as much as I did the day before. But I’ll never stop thinking about you.
-DOL
I guess this is my second post to myself. I’m not really sure what to write in here, it’s hard when you aren’t doing it for anyone but yourself. I’m trying to change that. That’s the point of this “diary,” per se. To allow myself to be honest with me, to keep the thoughts in my head flowing freely.
So the first week of class is almost over. I have a...
This is a Tumblr just for me, which is weird, because my previous Tumblrs (I have had two) were just for others under the guise of being for me. I tried writing in my Moleskines but it was too frustrating to have so many thoughts and too few fine motor skills.
I need to stop censoring myself, I think it will be better for my conscience if I just spew embarrassing and emotional and ranting that I...