I was sexually assaulted? Raped? I don’t even know. A guy I don’t know put his penis in my asshole when I told him not to. And then when I told him it hurt he continued to do that.

I am so embarrassed and I know why but I can’t help it.

I want to go home. I want to fit in somewhere. I want to find funny, positive, humble, intelligent and inspiring friends. I want to be physically healthy sometime, maybe look like a woman instead of this 20-year-old trapped in the body of a 13 year old with huge breasts and a nose ring, for kicks and a faux maturity/edge boost.

I want to remove the hair from my armpits permanently. Also my bikini line.

I want my acne to go away.

I want the little coarse black hairs that grow out of my chin mole to stop. I want my mole to stop.

I want my teeth to be straight again.

I want to lose 30 pounds.

I want to have a boyfriend but not need a boyfriend. I want to have sex. I want to have an orgasm.

I want to dance again.

I want to walk across the quad and be entirely within myself. I do not want to anticipate your thoughts or his thoughts or her thoughts. I want confidence.

I want to be that girl, that confident and strong one, who doesn’t give a shit if you think she is confident or strong.

I want to feel like I do while sitting in class, when I am standing in a social situation.

I want to feel like I do while sitting and typing and thinking and writing, when I am standing outdoors and talking and gesticulating.

I am tired of Sal. Her negativity brings me down.

Perhaps I do not belong anywhere, perhaps I’m one of the lonely people who never really finds their place? or the people they belong with? or the people they belong to?