you hurt me so bad when you said that. that you only have one friend. here i am, invested, interested, caring and wanting you to be OK - really - and you tell me that i am not a “true” friend on your hierarchy of friends.

honestly, what the fuck. why would you say that? why would you keep telling me about how much you want to be in love?

why am i this receptacle for you? i do it willingly, because i love you.

i mean, not in that way, but you know. it would be that way if we both wanted it to, but we don’t, and i love you like i love the closest of my friends. because i’ve let you into me, and i at least thought i was being let into you.

when I am with you I am often speechless because you are so expressive of your pain. it makes me self-conscious, because it is so reminiscent of the buried dark things that ruminate in my head. you vocalize them, and it makes me feel connected to you in an extremely profound way. we both are so incredibly fucked up, self-medicated, and maladjusted, and insecure.

if I was more giving - if i told you the extent of how incredibly fucked I am - would you think of me as a “level 3” friend? or if I completely ignored you and didn’t have the common decency to call you when I couldn’t meet with you? would that make you value me more?

like you, I want someone to love and care about me. I want that deep connection. it doesn’t have to be romantic, or a “relationship,” or what have you. I just want to feel deeply connected to another human, to feel love for a human simply because we are coexisting peacefully and we give and we take and there is happiness to be learned from each other.

more than anything, I think you could be happy. that you should give yourself chances. it’s not all permanent, like I said. it’s all relative, each day, each momentary unhappiness. you of all people should know that.

we can listen to sigur ros and get stoned and philosophize and proselytize any day you want, because I care that much. if it brings me down, so be it - the self-reflection and examination it prompts is worth it, for me.

I guess this is a bit more one-sided than I had thought.

“that was wisconsin, that was yesterday”